That Lecture

(It is "Qixi", the Chinese Valentine's Day. I'll migrate that legendary lecture here. It's been almost a year, and my skill has advanced, making whole lecture seems too naive for me now. However, I'll never forget that this is the first time I truly fall in love with someone in college, even though the love does not exist... any more...)

Y, I think we are acquaintances, even not good friends. And a most fundamental principle I hold in affiliating with my acquaintances and friends is to be sincere. Some of my words might make you feel uncomfortable, but I can promise that each and every word that comes out of my mouth will be honest. And, I hope that you can promise me two things. Do not get agitated when I'm speaking, and do not interrupt me in any manner until I finish.

Y, though it's been no more than two months since we came to know each other, but honestly speaking, your literary grace, your personality, your remarks on some of the questions and the intelligence and wisdom contained in them, your pursuit of your dream and your independent soul that can be seen from these, has impressed me deeply. I used to told myself things like: Y is but a ordinary good friend of mine; there's only friendship existing between Y and me. However, as I asked myself to be practical and realistic, and considered the case calmly and objectively, I found I was but lying to myself. Not long ago, I reached the conclusion. Firstly, considerable favor to Y lied in my heart, and I cannot help thinking about Y and missing her from time to time. In a word, I'm quite sure that I've fallen in love with Y. Secondly, as I thought reasoningly, I think we are a pretty good match in many aspects, I'm appropriate to be Y’s soul mate, and you're appropriate to be mine. Thirdly, objectively speaking, I've been extraordinary kind and nice to Y, but I didn't do it with any special purpose, let alone utilitarian ones. I was simply driven by such favor in my heart and did all the things naturally. However, I chose not to mention it in front of you after I found it, because one, you were too busy and exhausted these days, and I dare not irritate you more with such affairs; and two, since I was in love with you, I shall be responsible to you as well as myself, and I wanna take my time to affiliate with you so we can learn more about each other.

This Friday, you told me that you'd been in love with a guy for over 3 years, and you wanted to be a good wife and a good mother for him. Before reason taking control of my mind, I learned the exact meaning of the word "collapse of the sky". I think is quite a normal and reaction and shouldn't be condemned, since I've been enamored of you deeply. Furthermore, I had been childishly thought that if your heart belonged to anyone else, even if you hadn't mentioned him, I could noticed that from your words and behaviors. It is because I found NO evidence that you were loving anyone else that I allowed myself to fall in love with you, and to indulge myself in loving you more and more deeply.
However, I've thought about it carefully. The fact is: there is a boy, standing in front of you now, who've determined to give his whole heart to you. However, if you choose not to accept it, I will respect your choice. In that case, at least one thing is sure: desolation and pain will definitely occupy my heart for a considerably long time. It's a natural part-- if I were to not feel that way, it would just indicate that I've not been truly in love with you. However, I promise that I will never spread the agony to anybody, especially you two. In fact, I wish you a happy life. Because I've I love you, if I'm qualified to love you, the thing I desire to see is your being happy, is your smiling everyday, even if it's not me that bring you such happiness, even if the price of your happiness is my sadness.

What's more, suppose you choose to be my friend as before, I will never mention the thing I said today, and I will hide it deep in my heart for good. We can talk about literature, art, ideals, and whatever you like to talk. If you need my help on CET4 or anything, I will endeavor to help you as before. Suppose you fear you'll feel embarrass to meet me again, I can choose not to bother you any more. I will never contact you again, and I can find a dark corner on the classes of Modern Studying Technology so that you won't see me.
In a word, as you told me in SMS, "happiness values most." If you are happy, I don't care if my heart will bleed more. All I want to see is your happiness, and nothing else is that important.

Finally, thank you for your patience.